The Everything Bagel

Actually, yours was a gluten free bagel.

But nonetheless, we saw within it a glimpse of the infinite possibilities of what everything could be. What we could be. During this chapter of our fairytale - horrors, nightmares (but also literally! the clown/carnival escape room…or the blizzard drive back from Jasper…), dreams, magic, reality, disillusionment, doubt, fear, hope, laughter and tears of endless permutations (bitter, forced, detached, or full-bellied, unrestrained, or quietly bittersweet…). Everything. The power of it all. When our mystical energies align and conjure the most wondrous magic, combustions of stars and meteor showers… But also when we fall short, when we misalign, struggle, unable to connect or understand or communicate, when we disappoint and hurt each other and ourselves, when we are hesitant, resentful, tired. Worst of all, when we don’t even care. The numbness. The coldness. The terrifying polar sides of winter, golden warmth of the sun alongside piercing, untouchable whiteness - the burn of both fire and ice. The blank.

Nothing matters.

How do we find our way back from that?

Who knows.

We have our little tricks. Our tools. Our reminders and notes and rituals to call upon when we forget, when we are lost, when we get sucked into that place again. Where we can’t remember or believe in what we know to be true. When trust just doesn’t cut it. The frickin bagel consumes it all, consumes everything. Every bit of hope, motivation, faith.

But then, well, who knows how it happens.

There is still some mysterious force or power or spirit within us to rediscover that desire. The desire to try again. To keep our promises. Especially the promises our feelings betrayed. We try again and again. We write notes, we talk, walk, we communicate, we take time for ourselves. And it still doesn’t work. It still falls short. We take another walk. We try again. We talk again. We sit in uncomfortable heavy silence again. We bear, we endure, we push through something. Again and again.

And?

Da capo.

The belief is still stronger than the doubt. The love is still stronger than the coldness. That’s how we keep moving along. A beautiful kind of reclaiming of innocence, joy, playfulness. Of love, where it all starts and returns to. That’s all. That’s everything. Everything matters. We want it so deeply, passionately, truthfully, that we will it into existence in this reality. That’s how we do magic.

Like you wrote, when all’s said and done (which is never - we are never done, we are endless, we have endless stupid/amazing things to say and do and feel, but when this tiny little hurdle to all the rest of our infinite adventures to come is said and done):

“Fuck it. Let’s just play.”

And I say,

I’m sure glad we’re here.

TW

March 10, 2023
6:57AM Airdrie

Airdrie.

Airdrie.
There is mom, dad. Darvn. M. There is here. Here is snow, space, a pristine white blanket reflecting the infinite shades of orange, yellow, pink of the sunset.

To return home for our birth. To be in a place that always had space for you, was, is supposed to be a space for you … that’s a blessed privilege. To cheers with tiny tiramisu Costco cups filled with beer, to listen to mom narrate her grievances, to give Darvn a big hug, see his still boyish grin, so sweet, so close to my heart, from years of loving, years of nurturing, years of struggle, memories both good and bad.

“Complicated”.

There is history, there is memory, there are scars visible and invisible that will always linger here. Working with such a canvas is daunting, no matter what new brushes or colours we bring.

But wow, I still love.

I love my people.

My people love me. The surprise on their faces. To be a ‘good’ surprise, to bee accepted, wanted, missed. The evidence, proof, affirmations that shouldn’t be what we solely rely on, but nonetheless, matter greatly … that’s the embrace an open heart craves.

Too share this company.

Allow it to be real.

Trust. Respect this company, whatever it needs to be. Gently guide and honour with lovingkindness. Promise.

28. A decade.

10 years after.

We are here.

Happier, wiser, forever growing.

Remembering.

Finding new perspectives.

Still playing in the snow.

March 11, 2023
6:14AM Airdrie

Joy.
Contentment.
Blessedness.

Exuberant joy, quiet timid joy, bittersweet joy, melancholic joy, painstaking joy, warm joy, burning joy. Sweetness? Sourness? Spicy, salty, bitter.

“Joy is like being held.” Is it? Or is endearment and tenderness some mixture, some hodgepodge stew of so many flavours, some distinguishable, some not.

What a day.
What one day this was.

Real.
Real in its magic because of the uncomfortable, disagreeable, almost unbearable moments of age-old tension, anxiety, irritation, exhaustion, frustration, collective ‘stress’ all boiling up on top of one another.

But wow, look at how we’re growing.
How we are handling these moments.
When everyone notices just that bit more, puts in one more second of patience and respect and lightness and good-natured choices in how we respond and move forward. Look at the joy we can create.

I will never, ever forget that kind of laughter.

In the kitchen, Mom, Darvn, M running back and forth, huddled over pans and bowls and an explosion of flour and chocolate and microwaved frozen berries, laughing so absolutely full-heartedly at the monstrosity of a birthday ‘cake’ they’re creating together.

I wish I could imprint that in my heart and carry it with me always.

That little reel of joy.
Of being loved.
Of creating joy together through art and company.

How much the making of a cake could mean. After spending all day searching for a gluten-free birthday cake. The frustration, the ridiculousness of driving from store to store. Being stuck in traffic and lake for Darvn’s thoughtfully planned dinner. The highly stressful snowy drive on the highway.

After all that.

How we chose to adapt. Creatively respond and change our plans. Take spontaneous, smart, fun alternative paths. To find ourselves on detours we were always meant to take, see and experience things we would have otherwise never encountered. The smoked BBQ meats, sharing a giant platter. Drinking whiskey. Discovering magical books. Strolling the snowy streets. The epic terrifying carnival escape room. All the screams and laughter.

It’s infinitely precious.
So damn precious. Special. The tiny moments in between. Some silly joke. Some little action or gesture or comment. That makes all of it way more than worth it. Reading that picture book and laughing our heads off. The adrenaline after the escape room. The creation of the world’s most loved monster cake.

So fudging beautiful.
The mess, the monster. The being here, together.

And isn’t it especially in the bonding of overcoming some adversity together. To create and make something together. Be part of a team that is your own flesh and blood. People you’ve shared such difficult history with.

To smell flowers, play in the snow, to hear and exchange music, to receive a card, to be squashed in the middle of a tensely fuming car, to be unable to find the seatbelt buckle when we’re already 45 minutes late. To taste a pancake. To light glowsticks for candles.

Celebrate, honour. To undertake this ceremony of expressing our love. To accept that love. Thank you all a million times over. Thank you. Thank you so dearly. So fudging dearly from the bottom of my heart.

We were here.

Fuck ya.

March 12, 2023
12:05AM Jasper

Light that transforms
because of the company.

The curiosity infinitely renewed.
Amazement. Surprise.
The sublime universe within each particle.

Colours, textures, sounds, sensations.
Heightened by what?

Company. Space. Infectious joy and wonder and a child’s eyes and heart for witnessing magic of the universe in creation.

Fried rice in the parking lot.
Wriggling on ice.

Hours upon hours of discovery, laughter, or
silence, all creating a most blessed, precious, tender, exuberant energy.

Where
there is a point.
A meaning to all this.

March 13, 2023
9:00AM Jasper

The scent here. Some most mystical blend of memory, imagined and lived, and stories and dreams, and peace and passion, space, freedom, a purity in that silence, expanse, the untouchable unknowable, the distance of something that formidable.

Mountains, falling, you said.

Imagine.

Imagine this and that.

Eyes with that light, that wonder. The infinite big and small moments we shared yesterday. The textures of lights, the taste of crispy salmon skin, the sound of thundering earth shattering avalanche versus the gentle trickle of glacier waterfall accented by bird calls from the distance.

Each time a view opens in front of us - that kind of movement in the heart. When all the collective memory, spirit, consciousness is activated, celebrated, and your humility is fully inspired by how terrifying yet sublime this unknowable connection to the land and universe is .

And to be able to share that in the moment.

To be affirmed that reality and not only be with all our loves from the past and future, but to have someone there in real time who witnesses, whoo understands, who has the capacity to feel that intensely that curiously, that passionately as you do.

How we sat still in the sauna. How we danced across the ice, how we lingered by the trees and swayed on the bridges. How we laughed and sung in the hotel room with our robes and champagne. How we both take the responsibility to remember. To feel again and again.

We were here.
We were here.

This magical blessed world, connected to deepest parts of us. Opened, activated. Real. Real dreams. Real people. This is the living we can co-create.

Thank you, all my relations.

March 14, 2023
7:55AM Airdrie

That white.
The expansive, the void, the space or entrapment? Freedom or confinement? Isolation. Desolation. Or purity, blankness, soft limitless nothing. Blinding white.

That white that haunts you so. That calms and excites me so.
The infinite variations of snow.
The majesty of these mountains. The awe. The amorality of this landscapes. These sounds, of all their relations.

The different spaces we inhabit. The different loves we nurture.

Coming home. Through the blizzard, up and down the endless roads.

So many 'moments’, where joy blossoms, where memory dances and grows in old and new ways. The warm hug of a diner’s atmosphere. The sounds, the strangely familiar, some combination of family, romance, sleepy hugs, the embrace of wafts of fresh toast, buttered and spread with jam, the taste of a fluffy omelette your father used to make, the green juice, the coffee, the scribbles on a napkin. Yoga on the floor of the hotel room.

Determination to breathe, slow, and live.
The warmth. The warmth of white.

March 15, 2023
7:58AM Airdrie

What is ‘too much’?
Why do we get so irritated in these inexplicable moments - short, moody, full of inexhaustible sighs, more and more frustrated with our own inability to find release from this persistent growing grumpiness.

You know.
You elevate and ground me.
You write me little notes of encouragement. 
You laugh to re-engrain messages of love. 

Yet do we also trigger some kind of mania in both of us? When each experience is too intense, too magical to sustain. Is there such a thing? Little moments where we don’t behave in the most pleasant way. That add up. It’s not anywhere near perfect. Like any relationship. But we carry on. Are we too similar in some ways that could be our downfall? 

That we combust with the Northern Lights. 

A team. 
Kindred. Souls. Companionship. 

Calm chaos. Joy. Pie. How, what do we learn from this? Do we need to say or communicate or sort out something? Do we let it be? 

“We don’t always love who we are. But I trust we’ll always nurture, protect, and remember who we want to be. ”

March 16, 2023
8:33AM Airdrie

A privilege.
A absolute privilege to keep on loving, nurturing, growing alongside someone you hold with the utmost tenderness, respect, and mysterious connection.

What we’re often irritated with are actually the behaviours and thoughts and moods in ourselves when we do not treat or act in the way we promised towards our most loved ones.

But it’s worthwhile work to be done.

To keep communicating, keep listening, keep putting in the effort to make some kind of gesture, to love some part of ourselves or even forgive some part of ourselves, before we can open and extend our affection to another person again.

We’re tired. It’s okay. We need space need time. We find ways to not only work things out, but get even stronger. Stronger not as in hard or tough, but stronger in this flexible, bendable, stretchy, adaptable way, this bond, connection that is built on foundations and stories and trust from so many different perspectives, experiences, so many little steps and hurdles.

There are moments that are less than magical.

There are moments our positivity and optimism does not carry us through. We get disillusioned. We question what is real, what is forced. What feels honest.

We become tangled with ourselves, our instruments, each other, our perceived or real limitations. Our projection of our own fears and doubts.

Finding joy. Or discovering joy. Or making joy. Being burdened by joy?
How much to care. How much to trust and let go. Where did peace and silence and patience and solid deep connection come from again? How do we open when we don’t trust ourselves? How can you let me be there for you? I am here for you.

2:45PM

What can we do?
Repeatedly disillusioned.
"It just doesn’t feel good.”

Like being held back.
Being handicapped.
Being choked in someway.
A forced emoting.
Fighting the freedom.
Pretending the joy.

The spirit is not moved or inspired.
There is something so timid, restrained, apologetic, fearful, quivering, shaking.
The constant tick infects and permeates to sink and chain down my heart.

I can’t breathe.
I can’t move.

Stuck.
So absolutely, resentfully stuck.

How do I support?
How do I create a safe space?
How do I stay consistent and not lose myself?

March 17, 2023
8:00AM Airdrie

Romanticized.
So what?

So the disillusionment, the doubts are that much more disheartening. Frustrating. Distancing.

Our perceptions are our reality.
What we believe in - that is our real.

So what.

Let our actions speak louder than words.
Show, not tell.
That’s what we’ll try today.

I trust you.

It’s painful to let each other down. We wish we could perfectly rise to every occasion. But we’re human. We don’t always love. It’s okay to not always love.

What do we want to remember?
Where we started, you said.

A clean slate. The pure joy. The simple exploration of what we love. It’s about the music. It’s not about our own egos or expectations or romanticism. It’s being in that moment of freshly experiencing what the music wants to express then and there.

Sometimes you do need to forget everything.
To rediscover.
The familiar and the new.

I need you to trust too. I need you to believe in the lightness in us. Let my love not be a burrden.

You said
fairy tales are real.
I’m not that naive to think magic solves everything.

Everything being perfect wouldn’t be perfect.

I be me.
You be you.

I am a hopeless romantic.
But not naive.

Let our magic not be a burden.

There will be plenty of trials
of disillusionment and reality.

But you said
fairy tales are real.
With their horror and absurdity and all.

I am learning.
I will be present.
I will listen.
I will let the difficult moments be difficult, I will allow
myself to exist in the moments that fall flat, fall short.
So I’m there with you.
Through both magic and reality.

Let our magic not be a burden.

My desire for connection
is not an ultimatum,
is not a pressure.

We can’t force connection.

But I promise,
again,
I will wake up and keep trying to
find ways to create
space
for your trust.

It’s on both of us to find a sustainable way
to exist in our dreams and
in the demands of our limitations.

March 18, 2023
8:36AM Airdrie

Trust.

Necessity of trust. For creativity. For freedom. For reaching our fullest potential.

“Fullest.” What is that. Who knows. We don’t know. We have to find out. Something we can’t grasp but need to believe in. The leap of faith where you can’t see the landing pooint.

Our trial has been a most memorable bleessing.

Overcoming this episode has made us that much stronger, that much more grateful, that much more real in our connection. Which won’t always be connected, in sync, comfortable. This will be an ongoing journey. And that’s part of a worthwhile relationship to nurture, to stick through with.

Again and again, I would choose you.

And then, also.
Look, when we we come out of our own heads.

When it’s not just about us. Of course our art will be personal. Because we are human. Our expressions and sincerity is deeply tied to our lived experiences and perception of the world. But look, when we are able to reach out, touch the audience, see, feel the movement, the emotion, the magic in their eyes. The evidence of tears, of laughter, of the most precious poetry channelled that we ourselves feel but could never have written.

That is the power when we come together and connect.

What a joy. What an experience we facilitated. The moments, the space, memory, transportation to individual worlds of memory, time, place, tastes, scents, nostalgia, the understanding unspoken, the stories remembered, the words, the wordless, the tenderness, the pondering on home that recreates an appreciation for home, the warmth we were able to share in that living room. What an absolute blessing. 幸福. What awe. When it works. When we do deliver. When our trust fulfills itself.

Never taken for granted. Magic.

But continuously believed in. Re-believed in.

Trust in the rhythm of each moment.
You are right where you’re supposed to be.

March 19, 2023
8:34AM Airdrie

Sunflower seeds.
Crack, crack. Bite, pull, taste, chew. Repeat.
Sounds, textures, rhythm, flavour, motion. Choreography.
Mindful mindless awareness. Presence. Meditation. Ritual. Repetition.

Company.

Quiet, silence. Peace.
Slowing.

Simple wordless companionship.

These are the moments. Love. Sunny walk, mom’s arm linked through mine. The chatter. The joy. The simple celebrations. The ‘daily life’ in between work and challenge and success and whatever.

We become stronger.
We giggle and brainstorm wilder and wilder ideas. The heaviness lifts, the mood shifts, air begins to eb and flow. We’ve done well.

Sitting at the dining table, spacing out, watching mom gut a fish. 10PM, snack after dinner. Some mind boggling Hindi hockey announcement on the TV behind us. Whooper whooper whooper. We exchange glances and laugh our heads off. Psychic conversations. Perplexity of sunflower seed flavours. Laughter. Randomness. Derp. Just be. Just exist.

We need no reason today.
We need no explanation. No expectation.
Just be here. Just exist.

March 20, 2023
8:48AM Airdrie

What else is there to say?

Well, everything. And say it all again. Over and over again. With same words, different words, actin, gifts, attention, rituals, noticing, food, time, music, music, music.

Believe. Believe and trust have lives of their own, too. We must also nurture, feed, pay attention to, and cut them some slack once in a while too. And forgive their failings.

Words. The power of words to help us, help each other feel, not just understand, but to really feel fulfilled in grasping some tiny part of that fleeting moment, that reality, when we noticed, when we existed, experienced something magical, so we better honour and believe and carry that part of ourselves into our present and future.

So thank you, for your words. As always.
For taking the time to remember alongside me.

The curse and blessing of forever increasing our capacity to experience so much, so intensely. Everything, everywhere, all the time.
But then, we never really walk this path alone.

Someone, you, and other past future present spirits, friends, artists, trees, animals, air, sky, snow - whether along your side in this moment or not, someone, something has felt you. Someone something is sharing. They are there.

Fleeting, but not disappearing.

We never really disappear.

I am listening. I promise. I am here. I see and feel and hear.

I remember you.