little infinity

It’s been a second.

As in, 5 weeks on the road. And some. (Falmouth before, Kazakhstan and Iceland after).

But alas, the project is complete. (Or is it?) China. My Old Home. Homes. My peoples. All my relations.
As cheesy as it sounds,
“Is this really the end?
Or only the beginning.”

It’s been a whirlwind. Everyday, the stimulation. The sensory overload - not just of beauty, natural beauty, cityscape beauty (ugly, dirty, mundane, exquisite, fancy, real, surreal, beauty of all sorts) - but also the episodes of emotional sensory overload - of family, extended family, strangers, colleagues, the mysterious stranger of the self (?? little Tongtong, everyone’s beloved 2 years old, 8 years old Tongtong, the 30 years old concert pianist in qipao, the foreigner, the sister, the granddaughter, the aunt…)

What on earth?
Who do I be? For whom? For what?
And how?

How does one even process. All this. Allow it to become part of me. To remember, to honour, to carry forwards.

Well, perhaps this is a humble attempt. As I try, always, not to over sentimentalize, not to romanticize. But, what I’ve learned, if anything, is still - I just gotta be true to myself. That’s all. I can make space, somewhere, someday (Thank you, Iceland Ring Road). I can feel, just what I feel. (Thank you, Miyazaki/Genzaburo Yoshino’s How Do You Live).

And as always, I’m glad. As always, it’s a privilege. A responsibility and a gift. To still constantly be astonished, awed - that I am, and can be connected to so many unknowable blessings in miraculous, mysterious ways. It’s a blessing to notice, renotice, hear new stories, old stories, feel them course through my veins. To bear witness, to exist. Be there, here.

Thank you, everyone, every tree, plant, flower, building, dumpling, baozi, stranger, family, friend, that has been part of this journey.

Thank you, especially: my partner in crime, witnessing and supporting us through every step of this journey. Especially the moments in between, ‘good' and ‘bad’. You know.

Thank you, dearly. I will carry this, whatever this is, on and on in my heart.

Little infinity,
we give it back.

I will keep giving it back. For a long time to come.

xoxo

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