China Tour: Part 3 - Beijing/Langfang

“It’s a lot. To say the least. 
Even for me, a drifting free-spirited dandelion seed—
resilient, wandering, fiercely independent—
Even for me it was more than overwhelming. 

It was surreal.
The realness of it all. 

That this city of my birthplace, printed on my passport, really exists. That my blood relatives-aunts, uncles, grand-uncles, came from all corners of the country to support me. That I am a part of such a long, expansive lineage of people, places, stories, customs. That all these people - remember and adore me.

It was some kind of time warp. Time travel. All of this. Spaces, memories, expanding, collapsing. Coming together. Beginning, restarting. Blessed. Honoured. 

Thank you all. 

For reminding me—
I am made
of more than I
can ever fathom. 

Stories, land, people.
Love. Known, unknown. 

Little infinity.”

The Beijing chapter of the tour was perhaps the most challenging for me. And the most emotional, also. Juggling the work (practicing, rehearsing, preparing my talking points in Chinese), the socializing (with family, family friends, colleagues), and just the sheer amount of constant communication, navigating complex interpersonal dynamics, social customs, cultural etiquette, norms, expectations (gift-giving, speech-giving, hosting, toasting, receiving, just simply behaving and existing in this society)—all the tiny details, big gestures, all the while trying to be a self. What self? A good person, a patient attentive caring partner, a stellar rock-solid pianist, a sweet little sister, warm big sister, dutiful daughter, respectful granddaughter, eloquent facilitator, communicator, translator, guest, artist, teacher, collaborator … what other self was I supposed to be?

The streets were so busy. So loud. Hot. Pedestrians, scooters, cars interweaving constantly, cutting in front of anywhere everywhere you try to step. My WeChat messages were always going off. My mind was running ten tasks simultaneously at all times, planning here while putting out fires there. There was meal after meal of meeting different relatives, friends, colleagues. Everyone needed a slice of me. Even in the practice room, my usual private time, safe space, even there I could barely get two minutes alone before someone somewhere else demanded my attention. It felt like some unstoppable fever dream.

Was it a living, or a performative living?

Funny how we become our environments, no matter how firmly we try to hold onto our own truths, space, ‘identity’. Whatever that is. Sometimes no space is just no space. Perhaps only trust, that it will return later. I knew I could do it. I could do anything. And I could do it spectacularly well. And it’s not a ‘sacrifice’, it’s a choice. It’s the blessing, again, of being surrounded, loved, needed. Responsibility, duty, expectation, delivery, fulfilment.

Gotta do what you gotta do.

This was the truth. It was not easy. But at the end of it all (and I knew it before I got there too), it was more than worth it. Always. Every messy me. Every chaotic me. Every self— frustrated, unfulfilled, unreal, questioned and doubted and blamed and disappointed. I was still me. Somewhere to be found. At the end, I have my music. That is true. That is me in my element. Performing on stage is somehow the space I can finally be my most honest. The space I allow myself to pour out my heart. To be bold and courageous in sharing the vulnerabilities, the tenderness.

For that, I am infinitely proud. And grateful.

One of the moments I felt more openly moved, when I could feel something flowing through me, was that morning cab ride to 廊坊 Langfang. Our schedule was so packed—we had a late start, late cab, barely enough time to grab a quick lunch with grandma, uncle, and aunt. But as we approached the city of my birth, so foreign, absolutely foreign (technically I suppose I did not recognize a thing, the physical land should have no meaning except I recognized that name on a road sign as the same name printed on my passport, 'place of birth’)—I felt a rush of warm tingling under my skin, a rush of sour to the tip of my nose, and the tears came streaming down my face.

How strange. Would it have any significance if I didn’t know? That this was where the land is, where I grew up, where I spent the first 8 years of my life. Do I actually feel it, do I actually remember. I always question my reality and perception like this. But I have to chose to believe. Because we make our realities by what we believe. And feel. And seeing my mom’s side of the family whom I haven’t seen in 20 years—seeing uncle’s tears, feeling grandma’s hug, hear her deep full-hearted raspy laugh, holding auntie’s soft hand as we walked down the street to visit the old middle school where my mom taught, the hospital where I was born, the first apartment we lived in … it did all start to come back to me. This place. These images. Memories. And most most importantly, these peoples. This deep deep love. I have roots here. I have roots.

And so, I brought that back into my music. I added a solo piano encore 彩云追月 for mom, her go-to request, and 鸿雁 with the trio, for all the rest of my family.

Being with these people meant more than I ever could have anticipated. Yes, there’s a responsibility once we come into contact with a big family—the past histories, dramas, complexities, endless dynamics and interactions and nuanced personal feelings to manage and balance. But, at the core of it, there is warmth. There is support, and love. However messy. However overwhelming.

Beijing, Langfang. So many people I have missed. Missed for so many years. So many ‘lost’ years. But here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to remembering and coming back together, soon in the future.

I’m so glad, so glad.

xoxo

通通

Day 1 四世同堂，后海

Day 2 双渔座

Day 3 东来顺

Day 4 廊坊

Day 5 Concert, 唐宫

Day 6 慕田峪，湘菜

Looking back, here are some notes—what I wrote right after the concert, and what I wrote before (privately in my journal, and publicly for my talking points).

Scribbles from my journal:

6.3.25

Stories.
Stories, retold. Re-remembered. Pieces, puzzles. Fitting, unfitting. Little infinities, little souls.
Me - There -
Child. The youngest - laughing, playing.
Surrounded.
Surrounded by -

grandmas, sisters, brothers. aunt. uncle. a round table full of dishes.

This kind of - a sense of - an almost understanding of -

past.

of - my linear place in this much much larger history -
my ‘origin’, the kind, kindred - ‘connection’.
Lineage. Roots.

What does Home, Homecoming, Old Home -
What does it all really mean-
as in-
to me. To my sense of self-
as in-
no self
as in-
together. A part of this-

//

6.5.25

Do we get absorbed?
Sucked. Suctioned. Gorged. Engulfed by -
the energies surrounding us.

This collective - noise. Not just chaos but -
everything.
Speed. Busy-ness, overstimulation. Act after act of - constant constant pretense.

Can space really be made within?
When there is nowhere left, inner, to dig.

So you want to squeeze out a void.
Squeeze out tears to make room
for some kind of - real
of - breath.

//

6.8.25

Train station again. Crying.

I don’t want to process.
It’s okay.
Little infinity. There will be a time and place.

These people. Family. My blood, my siblings. My mom’s siblings. All the precious memories we’ve shared before. All thee resurfacing fragments. Tomato. Sweet potato. The foods you all remember I liked. Voices - 舅舅’s gruff laugh, 小姨’s sweet giggle, 姥姥’s constant nagging. The bantering, bickering. The sounds - of Chinese, cacophony, overwhelming- enveloping- the kind of warmth and love-
the mess-
the blessed.

It’s a lot.
It’s a lot too much to even allow to feel, to know, to remember, to understand right now.

But- the real
The realness of that place I was born.
How wild- that it really existed. Langfang.
How wild- that these people are still here.

Suddenly, a time lapse. A portal.

A kind of surreal, perhaps.
Little me. Little tongntong within.

To be this- cherished.
To find even in all this - a kind

kindred

kind of simplicity.

Concert Script:

感荣幸北京音乐学院和孔子学校邀请我们演出。感谢樊老师，Linda秘书这么热情的接待我们，天天照顾我们。这次代表加拿大回国的演出是我准备了多年的活动。不光为了国际交流，也是有非常深刻的个人意义。今天的节目是为了跟国内的观众朋友们分享现代亚洲作曲家的新作品。但更重要的，是表达我对我的父母和亲人的感激和想念。父母带我移民到加拿大以后，生活很不容易。为了我和我弟弟更好的未来，爸妈牺牲了很多。我小的时候对自己的文化背景不太感兴趣。直到最近才感受到了解我丰富，美丽中国背景的重要性。

今天主题”四成旅程”的灵感来自第一首作品：土耳其作曲家 Fazil Say 的”四成”。这首大提琴钢琴曲带着我们穿越土耳其的四个城市。为了了解体验着每个城市不同的文化习俗，我去过这些城市采访当地人，了解传统乐器。第一乐章Sivas 用著名诗人的一首歌曲。在最后可以听到大提琴模仿传统长笛的一种独特效果。第二乐章是黑家民族一种庆祝婚礼的快速民间舞蹈。它使用另一种传统乐器Kemence，很像二胡。第三乐章讲的是土耳其的首都，也是作曲家的出生地。它充满悲剧色彩，采用了内战期间的一首人民歌曲。最后的乐章很不同，用爵士风格的音乐描述这个城市热闹的酒吧街。结尾很幽默，模仿酒吧里喝醉的人打架的场景。

上半场的最后一个曲子是这次巡演的重点。这首曲子对我个人非常珍贵，是因为我让加拿大作曲家Alice Ho把我父母他们小时候在老家生活的故事写到音乐里。加拿大艺术机构给我们机会去这些城市体验当地的文化。最感动的是能够看到我父母的老家和长辈们。

这20多年后我会到爸妈的老家，我自己的出生地，见到姥姥奶奶和怎么多哥姐弟妹，怎么多爱我想念我的叔叔阿姨让我感觉这么的亲切，感动。今天的演出又从新疆和漠河长途来的家人。这是一次非常特殊和珍贵的时刻。非常感谢家了的每一个人。这一手加上的曲子是我妈很喜欢的，谢谢爸妈在远处爱我，支持我。这是彩云追月。

最后再邀请吕老师和大卫回来，一起演一首名歌，鸿雁。