2023。幸福。幸福吗？
Open.
开心。
I constantly push myself to open my heart. To give, to share, to be vulnerable, to love. To be the warmest, most generous, most kind version of myself. Those are my core values.
And it’s too much. I give too much. I remove myself too suddenly. I burn out. I disappear. I hide. I mess up again and again. I disappoint others. I hurt people I care about. I lie. I betray myself.
So, what is actually the most truthful, honest, sustainable, fulfilling, nurturing amount of being open? Of loving? Who do I really want to be with, where do I really want to be, and with whom should I share my private, intimate thoughts and feelings?
Through a series of reflections, I am beginning to unlearn, relearn, reprocess my values, challenges, goals, and find a sense of clarity as to take tangible actions toward the life I want to build, to live.
And it’s one of the hardest things - to know what we want. To articulate that. To commit to that. To own up to that. And what we want can constantly shift and change depending on our age, experience, and circumstances, so the truth seems forever ungraspable, elusive. But that’s okay, that’s also part of the process.
For right now. I know. I choose.
幸福。家。人。
It’s not just being 开心, “happy”. It’s not just to have an open heart, to laugh, to give, to have fun. It’s deeper, closer, simpler yet more profound, more peaceful, more grounded, rooted, firmly bound to a sense of trust in this serene, consistent, reliable contentment. This warmth, this endearment, this blessedness. A familial, routine, yet all the while magical longevity of blessedness in the small, simple, daily moments shared with the few people and places dearest to you. Something like home.
It’s untranslatable. Like most of our feelings and thoughts and beings.
But whatever that means, right now and in the moments and years to come, that is ultimately what centres my heart. 幸福的家。And I must honour that. I must start living truthfully to that.
All that is to say - there are different degrees of public-private journaling, documenting, archiving, sharing, storytelling. And I am going to try some new methods to better respect my own and other people’s boundaries and feelings.
On that note, I will:
sign off of Instagram and share/archive my personal daily stories with family and a small circle of close friends through alternative methods that allow for more authentic and honest reflection.
keep Facebook/Messenger to post occasional updates and stay connected to a broader group of friends
use my Website “Updates” to share professional announcements
use my Website “Blog” to express a degree of my journeys and learnings in the form of open journaling for those who might stumble across these words and perhaps find a sense of camaraderie and understanding.
keep the other deeper and private reflection processes for myself and write letters to those who I know will truly take the time, attention, and tender care to receive my bravest, most vulnerable attempts at opening and communicating.
And for now, that’s all she wrote.
Happy 2023 to everyone, and to be continued…
Still with love,
xoxo
Skye.pianist
