Vision Quest
Back in my elf castle room now.
“Safe and grounded.” Sun tanning on my yoga mat after a long hot shower, 2 rounds of my favourite breakfasts (savoury avocado egg toast + sweet banana pancakes) and a restorative 30 min yoga flow…
How do we live on from here?
After having experienced such an experience. Opened our visions. Sensations ingrained into memory yet in some translucent ungraspable elusive dream-like state. Still attempting to suspend disbelief at the way we chose to stay, to breathe, to breathe through it all. How the breath saves and empowers us, how resilient our willpower can allow us to be, the inner fire that fuels us to survive the cold, how the birds sung in the distance to announce the first hope of daybreak when the utter darkness seem to loom on eternally. 6 meteors, I counted. At least.
How strange it is to come back now to this world of comfort. How strange to hold a phone, to type on a keyboard rather than scribbling on a notebook, unable to see in the dark, frozen fingers barely able to move under a thin blanket that’s constantly exposing some body part and letting the icy wind seep into your bones. How silly our entire relationship with time and want and fear now seems.
How do I honour this ceremony? This surreal but all so very real experience. How do I bring this energy into my ongoing life? That’s worth reflecting on.
The Vision Quest as simplified by Richard Wagamese from the traditional 4-day version in a nutshell:
prepare first by finding your spiritual place, take the time to search for this spot, visit it and sit there a few times doing nothing, and leave a spiritual gift to express your gratitude for this special place of connection
the day before, mindfully gather ingredients and prepare a favorite meal for after your return.
the day of the ceremony, wake before sunrise to perform the Sacred Breath ritual, enjoy a good breakfast, then take only a blanket, water, and paper and pen to embark on your journey to your chosen place.
stay there for 24 hours, day and night, and just be. Sit. Sit and notice and feel and record. Sit through the hunger, the discomfort, the anxiety when darkness approaches. Sit through the entire night. Notice, embrace everything. Allow the connection to come.
when morning has fully broken, leave a spiritual gift and a prayer of gratitude for the experience, offer thankfulness for all the feelings you experienced and for the opportunity to sit and be with the planet in an unobstructed way.
oh, and return to the feast you’ve prepared and enjoy slowly and mindfully
oh, and reflect, and share
then, “Act Outwardly” … (the fourth ceremony)
“Do nothing else but sit there and be. Sit on your blanket and allow yourself to do the Sacred Breath ritual. Feel this special place you’ve chosen. Feel its energy all around you. Say a prayer, offer a spiritual gift and relax. Concentrate on using your senses to come into the flow of energy. Imagine yourself emitting your own vibration, sending the flow of your energy out into the great circle of energy all around you. Eventually evening will begin to fall and you will find yourself becoming anxious. Time for courage. Remember how you used your senses to anchor you to this place. Remember the feeling. Remember the peace you felt and go to it and sit with that calm energy. Remember that you are a sacred part of creation and try to sit with that humility. Relax. Be brave. Mother Earth is a benign and humble being conducive to life, she is your Home. ”
Not only was the physical endurance demanded for this venture extreme in late November weather (even for the South of France…!) - to sit in one place, body contorted and squeezed into impossible shapes to try to stay wrapped inside a small blanket to preserve the most body heat, dosing in and out of sleep and constantly jarring awake to shake my legs and clench my muscles to stay warm or to simply not roll off the cliff given the awkwardly slanted angle of the rock I was sitting on… but the mental energy it took to get through the night was so much more excruciatingly challenging than I anticipated. 12 long hours of darkness, without a flashlight, without safety nets, without a clock to orient you on how much longer you have left to endure - but then, no. Not endure, to reframe that time as opportunity to witness some new magic, to train the Sacred Breath once again, to strengthen the spirit energy through repeating the mantras aloud, one for each of the three lined star that I trace as the hours push them from east to west across the sky: Humility, Gratitude, Courage. Time is passing, enjoy the passing, feel the passing, feel the earth rotate, be awed by the shooting stars that give fire to your heart when you want to escape. One moment at a time. And let the hours and days take care of themselves.
There is such strength found in following through with something like this. I really really countless times tried talking myself out of it. I could still get up and find my way back to the warmth of my bed. No one would blame or judge me, it’s a matter of simply choosing the more logical solution. But there’s something about that endurance, about belief, about allowing - allowing to receive what this land and open sky and air and cold wind which is really the breath of the earth has to teach and share with us. And to focus on the feeling of witnessing the light start to emerge from the horizon, behind the ocean, that first ray of sunrise.
So that’s all, simply. Simply I choose to follow my belief and my heart. And it shows me the wonders, the magic, the humility. Being humble - awed, wondrous, respectful; being grateful - kind, patient, generous, compassionate, graceful; being courageous - walk gently, be soft, be daring, suspend disbelief.
That is all I can choose for now. Chose what I believe in. Then act. That will become my truth. Now the fourth ceremony. Open. Share. Act outwardly to bring this courage, this energy into the world. Remember to remember. These are the moments. These 24 hours have lived and existed.
That’s all,
xoxo
To be continued…
Some snippets of my journaling as the day and night went on…
I am here. I breathe. A little worn. Perhaps distracted, irritated by the noise. So much noise. Doubts? Was this not the right place. All this construction, roaring. Planes, cars, trains. From all directions, bombarding, pulling you a way. But. But there are still birds. Flies buzzing. Wind. But. The insistence of drilling machines. Overhead engines. Sacred breath. Soften. Soften anywhere. Co-exist. The sun is still warm.Thank you for letting me be here.
How to sit?
***
Post nap, the colours are different now. The blue of the ocean a little more subdued. The soundscape changed. Quieter. Still cars. But a midday lull, or is it my own calm, sleepiness. This comforting warmth. This' ‘harmony’, isn’t it. Perfect warmth. The rhythm has definitely changed. The birdsongs are longer, sweeter. I am settling into this space. Being, belonging, merging with its breath and energy. Just by being. Looking at the mountains sideways. Dozing in and out of sleep. Dreaming under this open sky. The embrace of the air and light and particles of everything I have seen and hear and smelled and touched. This is the Earth Walk. Well, Earth Lounging. Hehe. How beautiful, how fulfilling. Ha. Sun is at 1 o’clock now. How shall our simply wondrous story unfold? Just sitting here, lying here. How soft, the blanket. How sweet thee songs, how embracing, all the open space and air and sky.
Lying on my left side now. A twinge of sharp shooting pain in my right ribs. A spinning of the universe. A shiver, shudder, pleasant, down my body as the train horn sounds. There’s a new angle of light this way, upside down. Everything is curiouser. And the oncoming knowledge…the long hours of the dark looming ahead, the night. When this safe comforting sun has disappeared, how will we be with our silence and cold then?
***
It’s stunning, how much around us we do not see or perceive. Like that tiny tree emerging out of the rocks. How touching, how heroic, your stance, your will, your life and belonging and breath and energy, all that you send into the world. Our World. Thank you.
***Hehe, the tree is still there. I smile. I know. I feel exactly where it is. Once we have opened that portal, that connection, we can receive. We ground ourselves with each memory, each act of remembering. We are a sacred part of everything.
The sparse trees that line the mountaintops in the distance is incredible. The perspective of standing up and looking at my soft blue blanket is incredible. My blue yoga pants. Blue shirt, with ocean, flowers. Blue buttons. The sound of my voice reaching for high and low notes is incredible.
This pen is blue.
A blanket is so powerful. Wow.
Yellow flowers, did I write about the yellow flowers yet? Perched at the highest point, all solitary, on that rock. One single strand. One burst of colour against this mountain of brown. I didn’t pluck it. So tender and soft.
Playfulness. Everything. Everything is so damn fun. You don’t need ANYTHING to have a good time. Everything is already here, all within you around you all the time. There’s sound, silence, air, light, dark, cold, heat, physicality, dimensions, perspectives, shapes, textures, endless possibilities to notice. Whatever. Whatever inn the best sense. Whatever you can conjure goes. We’re all fucking magic.
We can make a home for ourselves anywhere because we belong everywhere. We are all a part of this sacred earth.
Home is a Truth you carry within you.
***
Standing here. Fingers a little frozen now. Breeze picking up. Sun peaking in and out, 2 o’clock, offering brief moments of hope and encouragement. Performing yoga balances to stay warm. Reciting Ember aloud. Light on my face. Sound of my own voice. Belief. Understanding. Breathe in breathe out sniffle balance king dancer pose silly pose silly pose hehe.
Holy fuck everything is so beautiful the afternoon light is so golden and beautiful I am so glad I’m still here. My face is warm.
Okay. So. I close my eyes and open them again, and holy fuck I’m amazed. Have I ever seen before? These colours, this glow. Did I look once at thee sky today? Upside down. Side ways. Remember? Remember how the sun is always here to hug your skin. And still the each time. We suspend our disbelief. This is real.
The wind gusts stop. There is rest. Pause. Silence. Stillness. We’re allowed to breathe. Wee charge the earth’s energy. Magic of the sun. Magic of the light. Magic of simply blinking. Blink and you can re-remember everything.
***
Dear Skye, did you JUST realize. That instead of dreading the long hours of the night, that actually you’re embarking on the most brilliant adventure to just sit and chase the stars? Just gaze. Just imagine. Endless hours of staring into the night sky, wandering, feeling eternal, tiny, part of the cosmic universe. You won’t be able to write then. But keep the glitter in your heart. Stay.
Wow. Moss is so fuzzy and soft and filled with gratitude.
Gosh darn it. This tree. This beautiful incredulous tree. “You can fall in love with anything if you look at it long enough.” So what? Isn’t that magical. Isn’t that an awing amazing blessing. Fall in love. Fall in love with everything. Abandon the fear that love is a reservoir, that it can be exhausted. We are boundless. Isn’t it a precious feeling to fall in love. To feel love for all.
***
Be patient. Be humble. Be kind. The light is waning now. A new light will arise. Always.
“Everything before your eyes is a message.” But not just your eyes, right?
The sun has hidden itself behind the mountain. And I see even clearer. The outlines. The glow. The blue sky. Th enveloping. The circle. The earth is hugging me. From all sides. Left right above beneath. Surrounded protected treasured by mountains, caressed under this broad sky, supported by the rocky earth beneath my feet.
I feel a little chilly, but calm and loved and at peace. I take honour in each breath. The honour Song. Dear Mother Earth.
***
It’s bizarre. Suddenly, as if I can smell sweet smoke in the evening air. Some conjured, real memory, collective power of a warm bonfire? The night does smell and sound and breathe differently.
This gorgeous pink now. Spreading across the whole sky. How curious that after the sun sets, the last expression of light, residual glow, colour is this incredible cuteness. This sweet soft warm pink radiance. A final blush, kiss before the mysteries of the night. Pink. Pink clouds calling us to a next chapter.
The awareness, this intense awareness of the passing of time through directors, colours, senses, spatiality, it’s incredible. Time to return home inwards. Let’s enjoy, experience, remember the night. Before we know it, the stars will visit, the breaking of dawn shall come again.
***
This has been insane.
Truly.
I can’t quite see what I’m writing but dawn is breaking. It’s true - things are reclaiming their shapes and colours. There is such hope, such victory, such sacred memories. What an experience. My feet are frozen, legs numb. The crescent moon is still bright against a deep blue sky. The familiar warm red light emerging in distance, announcing the imminent return of the fire star.
Around 12 hours of cold and dark. No shelter. No distractions.
Just miracles. Countless doubts and thoughts of giving up. But miraculously in those moments - a fucking shooting star falls gloriously dead center of my vision, full on, full force, burning blazing a trail of hope and courage, a mantra prayer ceremony recited over and over again aloud, “Humility, Gratitude, Courage.” Tracing those three stars, Orion’s belt. The Hunter. Again and again. The stars kept me grounded. “I am a sacred part of the universe.” Again and again. Repeat. Repeat. Making up silly stories. Once Upon a Time. The pink caterpillar. Humming Scriabin. Dozing in and out of dreams, visiting the most unlikely places, peoples, times. Everything. Everything happening and nothing happening under this open air and the infinite eternal stars.*
But fuck.
Those flashes in the sky, like lightening, illuminating the whole cosmos, like you’re suddenly looking from above in outer space, the speed of that falling comet burning so bright its light as to shoot such a powerful instant surge of fire and energy straight to my heart, spirit, soul.
We are all start dust. We are all energy, connected, one.
That’s what this all means.
***
Alright. The sun’s about to rise now. It’s all true. The belief, the believing. The knowing. The truth to ourselves. Simply. The sun also rises.
That’s all. I have no photos, no voice memos, just some scribbles and a heart too full I almost don’t want to share. But opening, I’m trying. Hence, the story, however scattered and inadequately recounted, transmitted. We are all storytellers.
But here are a few images from the previous days while searching for my special place and offering a gift of thankfulness. This was the before. Before this opening. Or perhaps there isn’t any before or after, right? Just remembering. Remember to remember.
*and the most ecstatic moments that shall remain secrets for now…